Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Various thoughts

Sitting here, waiting on my pants to dry so I can go to work, I had some thoughts about my life and my writing. I figured I would write them down here to save them.

If you have read this blog, you know that I have experienced some life altering events in the past few weeks. Events that have caused me to have to sit back and rethink my current state of mind. Before I go further on this, I want you to know that this is NOT going to be a rant post. In fact, it is going to be a positive post as will ALL of my posts from now on.

First and foremost, I have come to the conclusion that no matter what happens in my life, I have to keep pushing forward. Pushing forward with my life, with my career, with my writing. Especially with my writing. I have sat down to write while this was going on, and couldn't put one word on paper. The emotions and the feelings that were racing through my mind were blocking the very creativity that I needed to write...in fact, to live. I can't let this happen anymore.

I started writing some things a few days ago and actually got a few pages down. They were so dark and so violent that my wife said it scared her to know that those thoughts were in my head. Not the thoughts of ME doing any of this, but my character in that short piece. I tried to tell her that is was a story and it wasn't real, but she said she couldn't believe that I would have thought up what was on the paper. I got out a lot of emotions in that story and now I feel better about myself and my writing.

Another realization that I came to over the past few days is that God will not put anymore on me than I can handle. God said that, I believe that, and that settles that. Even though my chest felt like it was going to burst wide open, and I wanted to just crawl in a hole somewhere and die, God was with me and he led me through. I'm still not out of the woods as far as my situation, but dagnabbit (that's a Southern word, BTW), I'm going to make it through this trying time in my life. I'm going to make it through and I am going to be bigger and stronger and MUCH better for it.

Finally, I realized that my attitude was half of the battle. Moping around and letting this get the best of me...thinking I was a failure at life was getting me absolutely NOWHERE. I woke up and realized that a positive mental attitude is the best thing in this world. I can do anything I want to do. All I need is a positive mental attitude. I am sure to fail if I DON'T have it, so why not go with it?

That is what I am going to do from this moment on. I'm not going to complain, or whine, or moan if something bad happens anymore. I will give my problems to God and let him handle them and lead me in the direction that he wants me to go.

I WILL write...EVERY DAY! I WILL get better at this. I WILL do the things necessary to fulfill my dream of writing a novel. I will push on through to the end to get it done. I WILL sit and write, even if it is just gibberish. Even if it is writing the Preamble to the Constitution in my own words. I will write SOMETHING! I WILL create.

Pressing forward. That is the rule of the day. Not looking back and wondering "what if", but looking FORWARD and wondering "what if".


Misti Sandefur, Novelist/Freelance Writer said...

You hang in there and things will get better. Even I'm going through some tough times right now... as you may have noticed from my previous blog entries. ;) However, I've always given my problems to God, and when I'm down, I talk to God. Talking to Him makes things so much better. Another thing that I find very therapeutic is writing my feelings down in a journal. Go ahead and give it a try, if you haven't already. Like I tell all my readers and fans, "Never give up on your dreams -- work toward them."

By the way, I thought I was the only one in Cyberspace that knew the word "dagnabbit." Ha! Now I know I'm not. ;)

Hang in there and may you and yours have a happy Thanksgiving!

Teige Benson said...

I'm glad to see you're going to keep a positive attitude - at times, that can make all the difference.

Keep writing and good luck with everything.

On a side note: don't let what others say about the things you write affect you too much. I'm sure there are many of us who would scare the living crap out of people we know with the things our imaginations can come up with.

Janna said...

Dagnabbit: one of my favorite words!

Bless you. You've learned an important lesson in the past weeks, and you're an inspiration. Keep your head up, pray hard, and let us know when you need support.

Linda said...

Hey, checking in here and so sorry life's handing you major lemons. I love the way you worked out the negative stuff in your writing, but don't go too overboard with the positive, either. God DOES give us as much as we can handle, but she also gives us the hard stuff to learn from.

What works for me is: 3 days to get down and dirty in sadness or anger, 3 days to wallow, then 3 days to climb out the other side.

You're in my thoughts... peace, Linda

Jerry Allen said...

Misti! Thanks for the encouragement! I am writing my feelings down and it does help...it also fills a bit of that BIC time. :)

Teige...I went back and read that piece and it scared ME! LOL.

Janna...thank you for saying Im an inspriation...Im blushing. :) Im not out of the woods just yet with my life, but I am GOING to make it through!

Linda...thanks! Im spending my days much like your nine. Trying to drag myself out. I love how you worked the "She" in there too. LOL